Rottenchester

If you want to see some real hate among otherwise tolerant people, try talking about polygamy or "swinging" at a party of "happily married", Kerry-voting, thirty/forty-something, war-hating liberals. All of a sudden, tolerance is out the window.

In my experience, it is the women who have a real primal response. Anything but traditional monogamy is bad, bad, bad. One episode of cheating, lasting a few days or weeks, will end years of marriage, no matter what. In a group where every other issue has many shades of grey, this one is black-and-white.

This "one strike and you're out" mentality is especially interesting because it puts the lie to the notion that even the meekest housewife is powerless. Maybe she doesn't have the traditionally recognized forms of power, but she can choose to withhold sex. This puts her husband in a position where he chooses between risking everything to satisfy his desires, and being sexually frustrated. I call that real power.

Obviously, husbands can withhold sex, too. In my experience, however, women are more likely to play this card and to react violently to the idea of a more open marriage. It is no coincidence that societies where women are truly powerless (such as some Muslim countries) allow men to divorce at will without giving the women community property rights. These societies recognize the power held by women in a traditional marriage.

The institution of marriage leads to a lot of good things: security for children, pooling of resources, and delicious sugary frosting on big white cakes. But the cost--a lifetime of monogamy--is huge. And suggesting an alternative to monogamous marriage will get you the mother of all stink-eyes from every woman in the room.